


I'm Flying Blind

by masterroadtripper



Series: Telling The Truth [2]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Autistic Evan Hansen, Bullies, Gay Character, Gender Dysphoria, M/M, Misgendering, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Social Anxiety, The Orchard, Trans Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen), Trans Male Character, Treebros, deadnaming
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-07
Updated: 2020-01-12
Packaged: 2021-02-27 06:15:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 7,944
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22162420
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/masterroadtripper/pseuds/masterroadtripper
Summary: Connor and Evan, two teens from opposite sides of the tracks, both attend the Gay-Straight Alliance club at school and learn more about each other.Or, what if Jared was telling the truth and Evan and Connor were actually boyfriends?
Relationships: Evan Hansen/Connor Murphy
Series: Telling The Truth [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1595260
Comments: 10
Kudos: 118





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warnings will be at the beginning of the chapter  
> TWs:  
> \- anxiety  
> \- potentially homophobic parents
> 
> When there are italics, that is just Evan's inner monologue. That inner voice can be a little mean sometimes, just as a warning.

It was the hour before lunch on a Friday and they had been given work time in English class to work on their essays. Evan had promptly lost track of time. He’d put his headphones on, turned on his music and wrote close to three pages of text - most likely trash - in an hour. When he got home, he’d have to edit it and try to make it actually make real, grammatical sense, but at the moment, Evan didn’t care. He just wanted to get some words onto the paper.

He hadn’t heard the lunch bell ring over his music and therefore had not stopped writing until he noticed that his classmates were all leaving and another set of kids were entering, likely for a club. That was when the panic set in because Evan did not want anything to do with a club. He didn’t care what the club was for or why there were so many people joining in only the second week of school, but there were a ton. Slamming the lid of his laptop shut - but not before making sure to save his document - Evan tried to shove it into his over-packed backpack as quickly as humanly possible.

That was when he saw Jared wander into the classroom. Now he was stuck. Jared would misinterpret his presence in the room to mean that he’d decided to join whatever the heck club this was and swarm him. He’d never be able to leave.

“Hansen!” he heard Jared call across the class. Yup, he’d been spotted. Now he’d never be able to leave. Looking up from frantically shoving things into his backpack, he saw Jared crossing the classroom, heading straight towards him.

“Finally decided to join the club?” Jared asked, his voice extremely teasing. Evan cringed. He didn’t know what to say. He didn’t know how to react. He didn’t even know what club was being held in this room.

Shaking his head around, Evan muttered out a series of sounds that really didn’t sound like anything.

“Well, come join the circle, we’ll probably to introductions since its the first day,” Jared said, grabbing Evan’s arm and dragging him towards where a partial circle was forming. It was like some cruel joke, this whole thing. Jared was purposely making his lunch hour a living hell. He was going to make him introduce himself in front of the entire group so everyone could watch him make a fool out of himself.

“I-I-I-I c-c-c-can’t,” Evan managed to whisper, though he wasn’t sure if Jared had actually heard over the building cacophony in the room. Who knew twenty students could make so much noise? They were all talking over each other, interrupting each other and the noise was starting to ring through his head. Sure, he could go back over to his bag, grab it and walk out of the classroom, but instead, he was rooted to the spot.

“Sure,” Jared said, putting his hands on his hips and looking at Evan skeptically. It never seemed like Jared actually believed Evan. When he managed to occasionally say he couldn’t do something, that meant he really couldn’t do it. Jared just seemed to think he was being lazy. One heck of a good friend he’d managed to find. Or, a family friend.

Then he saw someone walk into the classroom out of the corner of his eye. Aside from the knotted brown hair, Evan would have known who it was either way. The tall frame, the almost entirely black outfit. Cora Murphy. They’d actually been talking more and more often recently, after that day in gym class. Evan hadn’t skipped another class with her, but they’d sat next to each other in Biology. Evan wasn’t sure if he’d consider them friends or not, but they were definitely more than just acquaintances at this point.

But the question remained, what did both Jared and Cora have in common that would bring them to the same club at lunch?

“Whatchu looking at?” Jared asked, likely once he’d realized that Evan had looked up from wringing his hands awkwardly. Evan quickly snapped his head back down towards his hands.

“Cora Murphy,” Jared snorted, “Who would have guessed?”

“W-w-w-w-why?” Evan asked. He really just wanted to know what he’d gotten himself into, because, looking around, all he could see were students of all age ranges that the school held, sitting in a circle. There was no singular defining characteristic among any of them. Among any of them.

“Evan, you do realize what club this is right?” Jared asked, not even bothering to pretend he wasn’t trying to laugh at Evan. Yeah, Jared was an asshole.

“N-n-n-notreally,” Evan replied.

“Oh you’re gonna love this,” Jared said with a barking laugh, “Its the GSA club.”

“GSA?” Evan repeated nervously. He knew what it was. All of the summer, Jared had been trying to convince him to join with him this year. Every time, Evan had changed the subject or gone offline. He knew Jared was pan - had been told many times by his friend, and he’d alluded to the fact that he himself wasn’t exactly straight, but never said that specific three-letter-word to anyone yet.

“Yeah. You know, the palace home of the gays?” Jared said while some of the people around them snickered. Evan swallowed hard. No, he couldn’t do this. He couldn’t be here right now.

_Guess what you dummy? Guess who is going to find out? Your mom. And you know what she’s going to say? Well, actually, you don’t know what she is going to say, do you? You’ve never had this conversation with her yet. You were going to do it this summer but you chickened out you chicken. Runaway. Leave the classroom, you don’t have to stay if you don’t want. No one can make you stay._

“Evan, you’re breathing really fast dude,” he heard a voice say through the fog that was encroaching in his brain. That wasn’t Jared’s voice. That was Cora’s voice.

“I’mfine,” Evan managed to choke out.

“I don’t believe you,” Cora said as Evan looked up at her face. The black rings under her eyes were more defined than before and her cheekbones looked more jagged than he thought they were yesterday. Or maybe that was just his brain playing tricks on his mind.

_Since when have you noticed the details of Cora’s face? You’re gay you dumbass, why’re you staring at a girl like that?_


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TWs:  
> \- mean internal thoughts  
> \- coming out  
> \- smoking

Last week, he’d simply stood outside the classroom door, trying to convince himself to go into the classroom for the entire lunch hour. When he’d made no progress trying to convince himself to enter, Connor told himself that he’d go get high as fuck instead of going to third hour french next week and then try again. A little bit of smoked-courage. Turn off his brain so he could actually function. It was a solid plan until he’d walked out of the school and realized he’d left his joint in the pocket of the jeans he’d worn the day before and was now sitting in the backfield for an entire hour, mentally stewing about all the things that could possibly go wrong by attending the Gay-Straight Alliance club with nothing to distract himself with. _Awesome plan you fucktard._

But then the lunch bell rang and Connor swallowed his fear. He was not going to be able to survive an entire two years of school without someone knowing his secret. He needed somewhere to go where he wasn’t _Cora Murphy, the kid who threw the printer at Ms. G. in the second grade._ So he walked himself up to classroom 376 and marched himself right through the door.

It was only then that he realized he’d never once considered the fact that someone he knew might also go to the club. He locked eyes with Evan, who was talking to some other guy with ridiculous looking glasses, and promptly decided he’d made a horrible decision. The one time he’d actually managed to make one friend at school and he was going to single-handedly ruin it in one lunch hour. _Cora Murphy would do that, will Connor?_

But then the kid Evan was standing with said something and he could see Evan’s eyes glaze over. He knew the signs of an anxiety-fueled panic attack by this point. Two weeks of sitting together in biology class and he’d learned the signs like a pro. A far-away gaze, a drastic uptick in breathing speed, shaking hands, jittery legs, they were all there. Whatever that other kid had said really got at Evan. And he wasn’t doing anything about it, seemingly completely oblivious to the near-breakdown he was standing less than two feet away from.

Marching himself over to Evan, he said, “Evan, you’re breathing really fast dude.”

The other kid seemed like he was in complete shock that someone had completely ignored his presence and was talking to Evan. As if he couldn’t fathom the fact that the weird kid had another friend.

“I’mfine,” Evan choked out, though he did notice the breathing started to slow by increments after he pursed his lips to slow the intake of air into his small frame.

“I don’t believe you,” Connor replied and that finally got Evan to look at him. Those grey-blue eyes locked on his and he could see dozens of protests on the tip of Evan’s tongue, all trapped behind one last barrier his brain had thrown up in front of him.

Suddenly, the eye contact was lost, but Evan seemed to be coming back down. Connor counted that as an absolute win. He hadn’t had to leave the classroom, hadn’t started yelling, hadn’t covered his ears. Just managed to get a hold of the messages his brain was sending him and tell them to stop.

And that was when a teacher walked into the classroom. Of course, why hadn’t he thought of that? Administration wouldn’t just let a group of kids run a club all by themselves. Especially a club that the government perceived as ‘sexual in nature.’ The teacher would tell his parents and then he’d be royally screwed. He knew what they thought about people like him. They’d only mentioned it over breakfast or dinner more times than he could count on either of his hands.

“Alright guys gals and nonbinary pals,” the teacher said, clapping his hands together, “come join the circle. There’s a lot more of you here than last week, so let's do introductions again. Ideally, we’d like to know your name and pronouns. You can add anything else you’d like, though.”

That was when the rock of panic settled in Connor’s stomach. He’d have to come out to all these people in a way that prevented them from blabbing to other people. He’d have to tell them that ‘Connor’ had to stay inside this classroom. _Was this how Evan felt every day? The panic settling in your stomach, the racing heartbeat, the thoughts swirling uncontrollably? Should have remembered your joint you dumbass._

The circle started with the teacher - Mr. Clarkson - and proceeded to go clockwise. Meaning, Evan’s friend with the glasses would go first out of the three of them, followed by Evan, followed by Connor. He was pointedly not looking forward to seeing the look on Evan’s face when he told the truth about who he was. It would be disappointment, anger, all the above maybe?

“I’m Jared,” the boy with glasses said, “he/him pronouns, I’m pan and I can hack any computer you want!” _Damn, had they already made their way around the circle so quickly?_ Evan’s friend - Jared - managed to draw a few snickers from the circle and Connor watched as the teacher leader shook his head slightly, as if not entirely impressed by Jared’s additions to his introduction.

That was when Connor felt Evan tense up beside him, as if he’d just realized that it was his turn to speak. As if there was no way he could possibly force the words out of his mouth. Connor looked over at Evan and saw how he was shaking, just a little, wringing his hands and bouncing his knee.

“Its okay Evan,” Connor whispered, just barely audible to anyone who was not the small blond boy. Bumping against Evan’s shoulder just slightly, he hoped that it would shake him out of his panic enough to answer the question and return to listening.

“M-m-m-m-my n-n-name is is is is Evan, h-h-h-he/h-himpronounsplease, and-and-and I’mgay,” he managed to spit out, even though the last two words were closer to yelling than actual speaking or stuttering. Connor threw a wide grin in his direction. Evan looked up and managed to give him a smile back.

Well. It was his turn. If Evan had managed to speak in front of this group of people and likely tell them his biggest secret without running away or having a breakdown, then _goddammit Connor fucking Murphy you can do it too._

“My name is…,” Connor started, the entire circle of classmates now staring right at him.

 _I_ _t's now or never dude, you can do this_.

“My name is Connor, and, um, he/him pronouns, and I’m trans,” Connor managed to spit out.

He felt Evan shift rapidly beside him, as if he’d moved to stare at him. So Connor said nothing, didn’t even look towards Evan, Jared or anyone else in the circle. He didn’t want to see their expressions. He didn’t want to see the disgusted looks on their faces.

Then two thin arms wrapped around him. Looking up, he saw that they belonged to Evan. _Why was Evan hugging him?_ Evan didn’t like touching him. Evan didn’t like touching anyone.

“I’m proud of you Connor,” Evan whispered, so silently and so clearly, before releasing Connor’s shoulders and sitting back on his desk-perch as if nothing had happened. _Like he hadn’t just hugged him and unconditionally accepted him as he was._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1) the GSA club at my high school almost got taken away because the government said that it was too "sexual in nature" and I'm still salty about it to this day.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TWs:  
> \- ED
> 
> Also, this chapter is set in late April/early May of the same school year as the previous chapter

> _**From** : Connor _
> 
> _**To** : Evan _
> 
> _**Subject** : can I ask you a question? _
> 
> _Dear Evan, can I ask you a question? (Don’t freak out, its not a bad question) I know we’ve been talking for a couple of months and it's been pretty awesome and I think you’re a real cool dude._
> 
> _Can I ask you out on a date? Like, I know we go for ice cream sometimes and we went to get frozen syrup the other day and that was real fun...but can I ask you out on a real date? Like, just the two of us and to actually, you know, date?_
> 
> _I’m sorry, that was random. And much longer than most of our emails. Please say no if you don’t want to, please don’t say yes just because you think you have to._
> 
> _Sincerely me_

Evan still liked looking back on that email, sent close to five months ago by now. He deleted most of the ones he and Connor sent each other. Deleted them more often now that he and Connor had started dating then he ever did before. Still had yet to tell his mother about the two of them. There were some things that he never wanted his mother to ever have to see, even though he was fairly certain that she was simply too busy to even consider going snooping.

Dumping his backpack on his floor and sitting down at his desk in the quiet apartment, Evan booted up his computer to load his emails. Well, his school emails, under his school address. He was looking for one in particular that had been sent about a month ago.

It was almost time for prom, an event that Evan nor Connor had ever gone to. They had been sitting under the stairs at lunch just that afternoon discussing it. Evan was eating his way through a peanut butter and honey sandwich while intermittently trying to convince Connor, whose long, thin legs were tossed over top of Evan’s haphazardly to simply just eat a few crackers. Connor was convinced he wasn’t hungry.

“Have you ever wanted to go to prom?” Connor had asked, rolling his head against the wall and looking over at Evan.

“Not really,” Evan replied. He’d never once even considered it. Until this year, Jared had been his only friend and they often spent prom night together, playing Minecraft at Jared’s house with his little brother Henry until two in the morning when they finally passed out of exhaustion. Sure, he enjoyed playing video games until his eyes went blurry, but if Connor was bringing it up, he wondered if that meant that Connor wanted to go.

“What if you had someone to go with?” Connor asked. Evan had swallowed hard. Prom was expensive. Not just the price of the ticket, but getting something to wear. They simply didn’t have the funds to make it happen and Evan would feel horrible if he had to ask his mother for an obscene amount of funds like that.

“That’dmakeitbetterIguess,” Evan replied, trying, but failing, to keep his anxious thoughts under wraps. For the most part, he’d found that, around Connor, he could talk so much easier, because he knew he wasn’t being judged. But thinking about their extreme differences in financial situations made Evan uneasy.

The topic had been dropped after that and they’d gone back to complaining about the workload in their classes, but the thought had stayed in Evan’s mind the rest of the day. _Connor wanted to go to prom with me!_

“What are you working on honey?” Evan heard mom ask too late. Ripping his headphones off his head and whirled around to look at mom, he saw that she was sitting on his bed, already changed out of her work clothes and looking like she was ready to try to have a conversation with him.

“Nothing,” Evan replied, wishing he’d heard her sooner so he’d have been able to close the screen of his laptop or at least toggle to a different page. Not his email page where he was furiously looking for the undeleted prom email that the school had sent out.

“Mhmm,” mom said before asking, “What do you want for dinner tonight? I was thinking either Chinese or pizza.”

“Pizza,” Evan managed to grunt out, his heart still pounding from her invasion. He really wanted to find that email so he could find the price of the tickets and maybe just maybe ask mom if there was that money somewhere so he could finally ask Connor out.

“Cheese as usual?” mom asked, though Evan knew there was no way that she didn’t already know the answer. Cheese pizza was the only type of pizza he’d ever eaten since he was old enough to eat pizza. She was trying to make him talk to her. He did not want to.

“Yesplease,” Evan choked out before she turned to walk out of the room.

He sighed when she was gone. Putting his headphones down on his desk, Evan returned to his search through his emails while keeping one ear out for mom, who was crashing and banging through the apartment, looking for who knows what.

And then, there it was, the email still appearing bolded and never opened, yet never deleted. _Prom Information Package_. The moment of truth. _How much were these damn tickets going to be?_

50$. Okay. Not too bad. Only five boxes of pizza. _But you need something to wear. And, since everyone thinks that you’re the guy in the relationship, you’re going to need to ask Connor out and that’s going to be a disaster on wheels._

“M-m-m-mom, c-c-c-can Iaskyouaquestion?” Evan asked, two slices of cheese pizza now sitting untouched on the plate in front of him. Mom had just sat down, looking glad to be off her feet, but now looked a little confused and worried.

“Of course honey, you know you can always ask me anything, right?” she replied, leaning forward on her elbows.

“Iknowthatwedon’treallyhavealotofmoneybutIwaswonderingifIcouldgotopromthisyear,” he managed to get out all in one breath.

And that was when he saw his mother’s jaw drop.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TWs:  
> \- smoking pot/being high  
> \- transphobic parents

Getting off the bus, Connor pressed the palms of his hands into his eyes. School was literally the last place he wanted to be at the moment. Aside from coming down from a wild high from last night and being cranky and irritable all morning, his parents had decided to try to pick a fight that morning.

Well, it hadn’t started off as a fight, but Connor, in his infinite wisdom, decided to open his mouth and make a comment. Even though his parent’s couldn’t have possibly known what had tweaked him, he felt like they were personally attacking him. Going on and on about how the LGBT community was taking medical resources away from others. Connor didn’t know how the argument had started or how it finished, but he assumed it had something to do with either an article his father had read or a case he was working on. Regardless, Connor had gotten up and gone back to his room after dropping his statement as if it was a bomb.

Making his way through the halls of the school like a zombie, Connor made his way to his locker and noticed that his lock had been tampered with. See, Connor was a creature of habit and after closing his lock, he’d always return it to ‘0.’ But this morning, it had been stopped at ‘34.’

_Well that’s highly suspicious. Does that mean that someone knows my locker combo? Did the drug dogs come around last night and they opened it up? No, that’s exactly why all your pot stays at home. Who on Earth had gone through his locker?_

Spinning in the combo, Connor threw the door open and let it crash into the locker beside his without a care that he’d just made everyone in the hall stare at him. He couldn’t care less that his eyes were bloodshot and red, he was still wearing his clothes from yesterday, rumpled from sleeping in them and hadn’t brushed his hair in probably three days by now.

That was when a piece of blue paper fluttered out of his locker. Connor snorted to himself as he picked it up; it was the same shade of blue as Evan’s favorite shirt. It was folded a couple times, hiding whatever was written or printed onto it. Connor almost didn’t even want to look, just wanted to throw it into the garbage can across the hall and be done with it, but there was something about the color that intrigued him. It simply reminded him too much of Evan to just...throw it out without looking.

So he unfolded it.

> _Dear Connor Murphy,_
> 
> _Yesterday, you kept talking about prom and it got me thinking...what if we went to prom...together? Like, as a real couple._
> 
> _I know it’ll not be terribly fun for either of us (my anxiety will probably hate it, and I know you don’t like wearing dresses) but wouldn’t it be awesome to go as a couple?_
> 
> _I’m sorry Connor, I’m rambling again, but I told myself that I’m not going to restart this note, so here goes nothing…_
> 
> _Connor Murphy, will you go to prom with me as my boyfriend?_
> 
> _Please don’t say yes just because you think you have to or because you think it’ll make me mad or something, but I just think it’d be really awesome._
> 
> _And, just remember, regardless of what other people or your parents say about you, you’ll always be Connor to me._
> 
> _Sincerely Me <3 _

That was when he heard giggling. Spinning around, Connor saw Jared, Evan and Zoe - _what the fuck was Zoe doing with them?_ \- standing behind him.

“So, what are you gonna say Murphy?” Jared said tauntingly and that was when he realized that Evan’s ridiculous friend also had his phone out, probably to tape his reaction. But what really made his stomach drop was Zoe’s presence. Both Jared and Evan knew _his secret_ , and, more specifically, knew not to tell anyone about it. Zoe couldn’t know. Not yet at least.

“Of course Evan,” Connor said, taking a couple of steps forward, towards his small, blond boyfriend, “I’d love to.”

That was when Evan jumped at him, wrapping his arms around his neck and whispering, “You’re the best boyfriend ever Connor, I really meant it.”

“Yo Murphy,” Jared said, addressing him by his last name, evidently his solution to the whole name issue. Pocketting his phone Jared asked, “Isn’t it weird to you that your boyfriend is so much smaller than you?”

“Fuck off Kleinman,” Connor replied, while working on untangling Evan from around his neck. As much as he was glad that Evan was gradually becoming more accomodating with touch, he really didn’t want to have another human hanging off him right at that moment.

“I’m happy for you Cora,” Zoe said, taking a turn at hugging Connor, “God, but change that sweater before you get home, you stink like pot.”

“Thanks,” Connor muttered, gritting his teeth again his deadname, “but, maybe lay off telling mom and dad for the time being?”

“They’re gonna want to know one day,” Zoe said and Connor had a weird feeling in his gut that they weren’t talking about the same thing.

“I know, but not yet,” Connor replied before turning back to his locker, slamming it shut and locking it - setting the lock dial back to ‘0’ - and turning to walk away. He made it a couple steps before he heard Evan’s footsteps behind him.

“Areyousureyou’reokay?” Evan rambled out.

“I’m fine Evan, I’m just…,” Connor paused for a second, “I’m coming down from a high and I’m just having quite the time right now.”

“Soyou’resureyouwanttogo?” Evan asked, sounding suddenly very unsure of himself.

“I _do_ want to go to prom with you Evan, _I promise_ ,” Connor said.

He knew his voice didn’t sound terribly convincing, but he couldn’t muster up an emotion other than anger or rage if he tried and he didn’t want to lash out at Evan. So he bit his lip and hugged Evan goodbye.

He picked apart an entire pencil with just his fingernails during next block and felt much better afterwards. He’d have to make his behavior up to Evan. He couldn’t wait for prom. _Really_.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TWs:  
> \- deadnaming/misgendering

> _**From** : Connor _
> 
> _**To** : Evan _
> 
> _**Subject** : Prom planning _
> 
> _Dear Evan,_
> 
> _This is the abomination of a dress mom is making me wear to prom_
> 
> _Sincerely me_

It was a simple email with one picture attached but Evan understood Connor’s frustration with his situation. Between the two of them, they were lying to so many people. Connor to his parents and his sister, that he was a girl, that he was straight. Evan to his mom, that he was straight. It was one big web of lines that made Evan sick to think about for too long. But he understood why they had to do it. It was for Connor’s safety that they’d built this web. But that didn’t mean that it still didn’t suck.

And now, he had a picture of Connor’s dress that he could use to go find a dress shirt and tie of his own. He hadn’t said a single thing to Connor about it, but he was going to match whatever colour Connor was forced to wear, even dark pink. If Connor had to wear it, Evan was going to as well.

The picture was taken in a mirror in a store, Evan could tell that from a mile away. Connor was holding his phone, fingernails painted black, overlapping over the back of the phone case. He was slouching as if to make his chest appear smaller, though the dress was very form-fitting and it was a lost cause at that point. But - and yes, Evan was still very much gay for Connor - it didn’t look half bad. Yeah, it looked kinda dumb because it was on someone who really didn’t want to wear it, but it didn’t look bad.

Pulling the picture up on the small screen of his phone, Evan slowly walked down the hall to the kitchen where he knew his mother was sitting, probably reading a textbook of some kind and drinking a cup of coffee. She was already wearing her scrubs for her upcoming shift as Evan slid into his chair and passed the phone across the table, not saying a word, not trusting his mouth to even say the right things.

“Is this Cora?” mom asked, looking up from her textbook and spinning the phone to face her.

Evan nodded in response, instead choosing to look down at his hands and pick at his fingernails.

“She’s very pretty Evan,” mom noted, holding the phone up closer to her face to examine the picture closer, “Is that her prom dress?”

Evan nodded again.

“Well, I’ll keep asking around at work, see if any of the girls with kids have pink dress shirts or ties. Which may be a little hard, bear in mind,” mom said.

Evan was infinitely grateful for all the asking around that mom had done at work. She’d managed to borrow him suit jacket that fit relatively well and a pair of dress pants that actually fit from two of her co-workers with kids. At least she knew people and was able to communicate with them like a reasonable human being.

“Do you have a plan in mind in case there are no pink dress shirts floating around out there?” mom asked, handing the phone back to Evan.

“N-n-n-no n-n-n-notreally,” Evan managed to reply before looking down at his phone screen. It would be such a nice surprise for Connor if they matched. At least a little. Evan wasn’t the one being forced to wear a pink dress.

He heard the buzzer to their apartment ring and that was when Evan started panicking. Well. Panicking more than he had been for the past two hours since he’d gotten home from school and had started getting ready. All afternoon had been one big panic. But hey, that was Evan’s specialty.

Looking in the mirror of the bathroom one last time, Evan straightened his tie and crossed the hall into his room, closing the door behind him. He just needed a few seconds to gather himself before Connor saw him.

“Honey, I know you heard the buzzer, are you ready to go?” mom called from the kitchen.

Evan managed to push a sound out of his lungs that he hoped sounded affirmative in response. He couldn’t do this, there would be too many people there. Too many people in one place at one time, all making noise. Sure, he’d put a pair of earplugs in his pocket to dull the noise a little, but that wouldn’t work for long. But he’d do this for Connor, because at least he seemed very excited about this whole debacle.

Then he heard mom open the apartment door open and greet the Murphy siblings. Evan wracked his brain for the reason as to why Zoe had come up to their apartment, but then promptly remembered what part of town he lived in and nodded to himself. Good thing Zoe came up to their apartment.

_Alright Evan, you can do this. You can march yourself out there confidently and calmly and look Connor in the eye and maybe give him a hug. You are going to have fun and it's going to be a good night. And then you are going to go home with Connor and you’re going to have a fun sleepover and then Connor will drive you home tomorrow morning and it’ll be just like any other normal weekend. It's all normal and you are going to have so much fun._

Swallowing hard, Evan grabbed the strap of his small blue duffle bag holding his pyjamas, a change of clothes and his sleeping bag, and walked out into the living room/kitchen area of their apartment to see everyone. Zoe’s dress was very pretty, but Connor looking stunning. He’d washed his hair and brushed it, both sides tucked behind his ears and curling just in the slightest. The tight pink material hugged his thin frame and had it been something Connor was into, Evan would start complimenting the heck out of his gorgeous boyfriend. Connor just looked very awkward.

Then his mother was shooing them out the door, checking to make sure that Evan had everything he needed, though when she leaned forward to give him a kiss on his forehead, he felt her slip something into his hand - the one not holding onto his duffle bag.

“Just in case,” his mother whispered before pulling away and wishing them all a fun night. Then they were heading out of the apartment building towards Connor's dad's car and Zoe’s date’s house.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so, the dress Connor is wearing, I don't have a photo reference for, but it is based on the dress that I had to wear to "prom" in the 11th grade. Also, I am not American, so please excuse any terrible descriptions of what prom is like/what their school is like. I went to a pathetically tiny high school and the closest thing to prom we had was our yearly "spring" formal, and then grade 12 graduations. s


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TWs:  
> \- misgendering/deadnaming  
> \- mentions of smoking  
> \- mentions of ED

He’d managed to get the car for the evening, as long as he promised to pick up Zoe’s date along the way as well. Thankfully, Zoe and her date were getting a ride home with said date’s friend afterwards, so he didn’t have to worry about waiting around for them.

Looking in the mirror one last time, Connor stuck his tongue out at himself. He looked absolutely ridiculous in the hideous dress that his mother had bought for him. It was a deep pink with gold-coloured thread sewn in here and there. It was form-fitting all the way down his body until his thighs, where it got looser until it cut off just below his knees and made it easier to walk in. But its form-fitting shape meant no binding and looking down, Connor could see a number of things he didn’t want to see. Other than his boney ribcage and hips, of course.

He looked ridiculous. The dress had long sleeves that covered past his wrists and a high neck. Thankfully, his mother had found Connor a pair of dark running shoes that looked like dress shoes at first glance. He had washed his hair when he’d gotten home from school that afternoon and spent nearly an hour fighting to tug a brush through the knots. Thankfully, there were enough curls in it that his mother hadn’t offered to do anything to it. She also didn’t offer to put any makeup on for him. He honestly wondered just how much his mother knew sometimes.

Connor felt sick. He did not want to wear this dress. He wanted to wear a suit. He wanted to be Evan’s boyfriend, not his girlfriend. It made him feel sick. But Evan was so excited to go to prom and, honestly, Connor was pretty excited as well. He was going to make this a good night, no matter what.

Awkwardly going down onto one knee, Connor dug around under his bed and pulled out an old backpack. His old dark green one from middle school. Opening it and making sure it was empty, Connor stuffed a pair of jeans, a long sleeve shirt, his hoodie and his binder into it. _Just in case_ , Connor told himself. _Just in case you can’t stand the dress_.

Zoe looked beautiful. She had found a light purple dress that was also form-fitting, but she filled it out much better than Connor did. _That's what you would look like if you actually ate on a regular basis and stopped smoking._ The dress appeared to have two layers. A darker underlayer with a see-through lighter purple layer on top with flowers. It looked nice on Zoe and Connor was able to appreciate that. But he was also able to appreciate that he’d never be caught dead in that kind of dress. Heck, this pink one was pushing it a little. Pushing it a lot.

Connor knew Evan’s apartment building pretty well by now. Knew to not bother taking the elevator that was not guaranteed to work on a regular basis, knew to ignore the crackheads in the back alley, knew to park a couple of blocks away unless he wanted the car broken into. He’d phoned Evan enough times when he’d heard of a shooting in his area or had been phoned by Evan when his boyfriend had heard loud yelling in the lobby or in the alley.

He parked on the “good side” of the train tracks and locked the doors of his father’s old car. Walking towards where he could see Evan’s apartment tower, Zoe by his side, Connor resisted the urge to break into a sprint. He’d never felt this way while dressing how he knew he should. But two “girls” in prom dresses wandering around this area of town was never good news. He’d seen more news reports that he wished to count that started with a setting like this one.

“Sketchy part of town, wow?” Zoe commented as they opened up the first set of doors to Evan’s apartment building.

“Yeah. All Evan’s mom could afford after the divorce,” Connor commented before wanting to promptly stick his foot in his mouth. That fact was not his to tell.

Deciding to end the conversation then and there, Connor pressed the button to ring up to Evan’s apartment.

“Hello,” a voice - Evan’s mom’s voice - sounded through the vestibule.

“Its Cora,” Connor replied before he quickly heard a buzzing noise followed by the sound of the lock clicking and letting the two of them into the building.

“Here we go,” Connor said, pulling open the door and letting Zoe walk through before he closed it and made sure it locked behind him.

“Oh girls, you look beautiful,” Ms. Hansen said as she pulled open the apartment door and pulled them inside. Each got a big hug, which Zoe seemed rather startled by. The entire apartment was a grand total of five rooms - two bedrooms, a bathroom, a kitchen and a living room - all but one of which Connor had ever been in and he watched as Zoe slowly took in what she was seeing. There was a styrofoam container of Chinese food on the counter, which Connor assumed had been dinner for the two of them, and Evan’s mom was wearing her hospital scrubs.

“I’m so glad to finally meet you Zoe,” Ms. Hansen continued, looking up and down both of their dressed a couple of times, “and your clothes are so gorgeous. Oh, how I missed dressing up in fancy clothes. That stopped once I had Evan.”

Zoe snorted but said nothing and Connor looked down at his feet, letting his brushed hair fall down in front of his face.

“And you Cora, oh my goodness, I am so glad Evan asked you to prom,” she continued rambling. She was like Evan, minus the crippling anxiety and stuttering. Even her appearance was startlingly similar to Evan’s.

“Glad to be able to go with Evan, Ms. Hansen,” he managed to reply.

That was when he saw Evan walk around the corner, from his bedroom where he had likely been building up the nerve to leave his room. Ms. Hansen did say something in response, but Connor was too fixated on looking at Evan. He was wearing a black suit jacket and black dress pants, but underneath, he’d managed to find a dress shirt that was the exact same colour as Connor’s dress. His tie was a lighter pink with gold coloured stripes on it. They were perfectly matched. Connor knew he was staring, he knew that his mouth was hanging open, but he didn’t care. Based on a singular picture, Evan and his mom had managed to find the exact right colour.

“You two are the cutest couple ever oh my god,” Zoe said through giggles.

“A cute couple that better get going or you’re going to be late,” Ms. Hansen said before turning to Evan and saying, “You have your bag and all your stuff? I’m at work until tomorrow morning.”

“Ihaveeverythingmom,” Evan replied, shouldering the blue duffel bag he had been dragging until that point. He was going to sleepover with Connor that night, because, as much as Evan hated to admit it, Connor knew he didn’t like to stay home alone at night.

“Alright,” Ms. Hansen said, leaning forward and kissing her son’s forehead, “well, you two have so much fun, and you too Zoe. Love you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, there will be two more chapters because I accidentally wrote much more than I thought I was going to


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TWs:  
> \- implied sensory overload  
> \- the usual deadnaming and misgendering  
> \- bullying  
> \- terrible school policies

Zoe had offered to take the back seat and let Evan slide into the passenger seat in Connor’s car. Well, Connor’s dad’s car. It was a nice car. Nicer than his mom’s car, and it didn’t make ridiculous noises when it started up.

“Hate driving in a dress,” Connor commented after they pulled up at Zoe’s date’s house and the younger of the two Murphy’s had gone up to the house.

“Probably would hate doing anything in a dress,” Evan commented.

“Yeah, probably,” Connor agreed before huffing and harshly leaning back into his seat, arms crossing over his chest.

“You know, this doesn’t make me like you any less, okay?” Evan said. He knew he was speaking quietly, even though he didn’t have to, but it still just felt like a conversation that had to be had in relative silence.

“I know,” Connor said before leaning over the center console and giving Evan a kiss. It wasn’t particularly long or deep, but it was still just as sweet and made Evan smile.

“I have a surprise for after prom tonight,” Connor said when he leaned back into the driver's seat, arms crossing again. Evan said nothing, knowing Connor wouldn’t share what it was anyways, but did smile at him so that he knew that he had heard and was excited. Surprises were never Evan’s strong suit, but he trusted Connor.

The rumbling of the car tires down the gravel road was what woke Evan. The winding highway road had seemed to put him to sleep but now he was awake again. It was a forested road, barely a lane and a half either way and no lights illuminating their path. High beams from the car threw the light into the trees and Evan was suddenly plastered to the window in fascination.

“Where are we going?” Evan asked, not taking his eyes off the trees. He’d never been to a forest at night before. It was beautiful. He almost asked Connor to turn off the car lights so he could see if there were any animals around, but he knew that would be dangerous, so he said nothing.

“You’ll see,” Connor replied and just kept driving, but with a smile on his face now.

The first half of the prom hadn’t been terrible, actually. They’d sat with some of the pairs from the GSA club, girls paired up with guys in strategic groups of four. The school would throw a fit if they found out that - heaven forbid - there were actually gay teenagers that actually wanted to have fun at prom. Thankfully, Evan and Connor didn’t have to be split up. It was a good conversation and Evan was actually having a good time. They’d had some lemonade - the non-alcoholic kind - and a cupcake each before Jared had decided that it would be an appropriate time to announce that there was a slow song playing and that they should all pair up and go dance.

Connor had grabbed Evan’s hand and gently pulled him in the direction of the dance floor. Off in the corner of the dancing space, Evan caught Mr. Clarkson’s eye, who smiled and nodded at him. The song, which Evan now couldn’t remember the name of, was indeed a slow song and he stared at his hands, realizing for the first time that he had no idea how to slow dance. Was it like in the movies where they had to move around, because if so, Evan would definitely trip himself or Connor in the process.

“Don’t overthink it Evan,” Connor had leaned in and whispered into his ear. Evan nodded quickly and reached out, putting his hands up on Connor’s shoulders. It felt natural. It felt right. Looking just over Connor’s shoulder, he saw Mr. Clarkson, who was smiling at him still and gave him a pair of thumbs-up this time.

“Not so hard, right?” Connor had whispered, putting his hands on Evan’s hips. They stayed like that for a while, just swaying back and forth to the music like the rest of the couples around the gym. It was actually much more simple than Evan had thought it would be.

But as the song drew to an end and couples started breaking up, he didn’t notice one of the guys on the football team walking towards him and Connor. Crashing into Evan’s shoulder, knocking him away from Connor and onto his rear-end on the gym floor, the guy, who Evan vaguely remembered was a senior, pushed Connor’s shoulders.

“Fucking freaks,” the guy had said before continuing his trek across the room to wherever he was aiming for initially. And that was when Evan had ran. Like the first day that he and Connor had met, he had no plan, no idea where he was going, but he was going to get the hell out of there.

Connor had caught up with him in the parking lot and had asked, “wanna get out of here?” Of course, Evan agreed immediately and then they were driving away, pulling onto the highway and he’d gotten lulled to sleep by the noises of the highway.

Soon after Evan had been woken to the sound of gravel and tires mixing, Connor pulled off to the side of the highway and put the car into park. In the light of the headlights, Evan could vaguely make out an old decrepit sign, but he couldn’t read the words.

“I promise we can go look at the trees in, like, two minutes, but I have to change out of this thing first,” Connor said, turning the headlights of the car off, “you gonna change?”

“Maybe just...take some layers off,” Evan said, stripping out of his suit jacket, tie and dress shirt, under which he was wearing a plain white tee-shirt. It was rather warm outside and Evan didn’t even feel chilled.

Not even two minutes later, Connor’s head poked back out from the backseat of the car - which he’d climbed into to change in - wearing jeans, a tee-shirt and his grey hoodie. His hair was messed up and sticking out at funny angles. Evan resisted the urge to reach out and smoothe it down. He knew Connor didn’t like it when people touched his head. Evan didn’t know why exactly, but it was a boundary and he respected that.

“C’mon,” Connor said, “Let’s go see those trees.” It was an old orchard, Evan learned as they climbed over the old gate that closed it off to the rest of the world.

The Murphy’s used to go to it all the time, supposedly, but it closed when Connor was ten. No funds to keep it open. Even though it had been closed for some time, Evan marvelled at how well-kept it still looked, even in the middle of the night.

“Its beautiful,” Evan said, following Connor up a trail, finally opening up into a clearing, the moon shining down onto the grass and lighting it up, turning green into silvery white.

“You’re beautiful,” Connor muttered and Evan wasn’t entirely sure if that comment was meant for his ears or not, so he didn’t say anything. Instead, he laced his fingers in Connor’s and looked up at Connor.

“Thank you for bringing me here,” he said, raising up on his tiptoes and kissing Connor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1) Okay, so I realize that not a lot of schools in the states include grade 10s in prom but this one does because I wanted Zoe involved.  
> 2) Turns out writing about prom/school dances from the present tense causes me extreme stress/anxiety but writing about it in past tense doesn't...so that's why I did that.  
> 3) yes, Evan took the "girl" position for the slow dance unknowingly, that's not a mistake.  
> 4) do school policies suck? yes.
> 
> Edit (01/13/20): This story is going to end on this chapter because I felt like everything I wrote for Chapter 8 was just re-hashing this one

**Author's Note:**

> Connor is not out to his parents or the school (aside from at the GSA club) and neither is Evan. Cora is Connor's deadname, so if it's used, that's why.


End file.
